Lately, I have been doing a lot of reading. My book list ranges from insightful, inspirational to those that are jarring reminders of the physical, emotional and psychological components of addiction. I need to read more inspiring books. It has been four hard, painful, sometime rewarding years. I have been on one very long, massive, challenging journey. I have had enough reality for a while.
I have finally reached my limit. I have embraced, accepted and welcomed responsibility for helping, guiding, inspiring and supporting others as they deal with this incredibly frustrating, confusing, and painful experiences of addiction in their lives. I am incredibly grateful for the transformations that have taken place in my life as a result of these commitments and have often found a positive, productive solution for my life in the face of this ongoing adversity, until now. I have had enough.
As I was reading the controversial novel, “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey, I came to the realization that I am more angry, frustrated, disappointed than I was aware of. I have listened to the stories of other parents, read books and articles that provide additional insight and perspective, and continue to watch my son deal with the choices and challenges of his addiction. With each story, word or event, I feel the pain, frustration, hopelessness, helplessness and disappointment. It has been building and building. I have had enough.
I have had enough with this experience. I don’t want it anymore. I want it to go away and I do not want to deal with it. I know far more than I ever intended or desired. I feel far too much sadness. I see far too much suffering. I cannot even walk down the street without being cognizant of the pain in the faces of those who are lost. I want so much for the paths in these lives to change and know I am helpless to assist them unless and until they change their mind. I have had enough.
Addiction is a shitty, painful, dark, desolate place from which to find hope and change. It is a hole that few know how to climb out of and there is not enough love, wisdom, inspiration, knowledge, energy, and faith in my system to change it. I have had enough. No more pain. No more disappointment. No more lies, failures, falling down, and deception. I have had enough.
My heart is broken, my head hurts, my soul is dark, and my body is beat up. I hear deep songs and moving melodies with incredible, powerful lyrics and I think about my son and his passion for music. I go on these incredible, inspiring adventures and trips wishing my son was with me to share them. When I see him all I see is the face of the lost and I lose hope. I have had enough. I am committed that there is solution for every problem. I believe we all have the ability to change the course of our lives. It starts by recognizing what is blocking our path and make a commitment to remove or go around the obstacle to realize our outcomes. I am committed to sharing my story, inspiring others while finding my way through my own adversities. Though I will keep on moving — there is no other option — I have had enough.
The hole in my heart and the pain that I feel for my son and for those who are suffering as I am simply does not go away. For the first time in the whole range of this experience, I realize that there is limit to how much I can celebrate or enjoy or appreciate as long as my son is in the place he is. When it comes to my son, there will always be a dark place in my soul, something missing or incomplete in my life, and a void that cannot be filled. It hurts that much. I have had enough.