“I just returned home after dropping my son off at a thirty day program over five hundred miles from his home. He is a chronic relapser. I struggle to know if I did the right thing. Everyone has an opinion. The doctor and counselors were adamant that they needed to get out of town and find a new venue or he would probably die. Others think I’ve spent too much money and I shouldn’t spend another dime on treatment. Thank goodness my husband and I separate our money so I didn’t have to fight with him about this. I made a decision I could live with; but this has got to be the last time.” ~ A mom living the addiction battle
I am right there with this mom — right now, in that very same real and raw moment. I have been watching my son battle the demon of addiction on his terms for the past few months, knowing he was progressively slipping away. I did what I could to help keep his head above water, knowing the struggle was increasing every day. I knew I was losing the battle, but a piece of me kept saying “don’t quit on him – keep him moving forward.” Even though I was partially successful in keeping him inside the ropes and moving forward, there was another voice reminding me “he is going to use, he is slipping, and there is nothing you can do about it.”
This weekend the latter voice’s prediction came true. Brandon surrendered to the desires of his addiction. Today he is not home, he is on the street, he is lost. I knew there was nothing I could do for him. I knew that unless he embraced a recovery program he would not be able to successfully fight the battle for his recovery and his life. He didn’t. He wanted to manage his recovery on his terms, in his way, playing homage to many of the rules but not the most important one – complete surrender. And, I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Today I mourn the departure of my son Brandon from my daily life. The addiction in Brandon is going strong and getting stronger. I look forward to the day when my son decides the addiction has to go. Until then, I continue my fight to help, love, support, inspire, and guide other parents through this painful journey. And, I pray repeatedly for God to watch, protect, and inspire my son.
We all know the truth about our children and their addiction. We wish we were seeing it incorrectly. Unfortunately, wisdom has a way of seeing reality through the gift of experience. There is no way to hide or run from the truth even when we don’t like it.
Brandon, you are a gift. You are loved and you are cherished. I pray you find your way home.
Today marks the first day of the 100Pedals Parents’ Support Network – an open, confidential, online chat room for parents to share their stories, learn from each other, and offer hope, love, insight, and encouragement. Please join us. If you wish to learn more – click on this link.