The destruction of addiction in a family is significant. While addiction hurts the addict, it also leaves a wake of destruction on the rest of the family. Relationships suffer, negative emotions abound, and innocent victims are part of the collateral damage.
A mom writes…
I am so depressed. I don’t know who my boy is anymore and I don’t even know know who I am. Addiction has destroyed my kids, my relationship with my husband and my life. I have severe depression don’t know if I even want to do this anymore. I need prayers for strength please. I am hurting so bad.
I reached that same point with my son and his addiction. I could hardly get out of bed. I felt like the walking dead. My heart hurt for all that was going on around me. I lost focus on the rest of my life as I zeroed in on saving my son, only to realize that everything I was doing wasn’t working. In the end, my relationships, business, and health all suffered.
To this mom, I would offer this perspective from my story. Once I realized my life had spiraled completely out of control in my pursuit of saving my son, I seized control of the one component that I did have influence over — my life.
Instead of focusing all my efforts on convincing, forcing, encouraging, or fighting with my son to make better choices and pursue his recovery, I focused on taking care of myself first. I began every day with an activity that I knew was good for me. For me, that activity was a one hour bike ride. What I experienced in that positive activity was a momentary escape from the reality of the situation in my life, a celebration of accomplishment and something good, and the opportunity to step back and reflect in a more productive manner on the chaos that had become my life.
I found peace, clarity, and perspective in my life through this process. I learned to create boundaries over the influence my son had on my life. I continued to love him unconditionally and would demonstrate that love constantly. However, I accepted that his choices were his and there was little I would be able to do to change that. I grieved for his failings and for his struggles, but I focused on making sure his behaviors did not destroy me and the life I have been called to live.
Addiction is a nasty beast. It destroys everything and everyone in its path. Once I realized I was becoming one of its victims, I created a recovery program that helped me break free from the grips of its control and discovered a new process for loving and encouraging my son without allowing my life to be destroyed in the process.
You and I are thinking similar thoughts today. Great minds…
Love ya bro’.
A truism from ancient philosophy “Life is an illusion ~ it is how YOU choose to perceive it”. Spiraling out of control is a choice you are making. I sincerely advise following Dave’s suggestion - lead by example, love unconditionally and stop considering what you are doing as “trying” please see your work as “doing” and doing the best you can - as you can do no more. I am not suggesting what will be will be but rather accepting that it is not up to you to change anyone else as only they have the power and capacity to do that.
Really appreciate the perspective. I know that before I took back control of my life and empowered my son to be in whatever control of his life he would choose, I got stuck in his spiral. Most parents fear letting go — which is not the same as “tough love” — and hang on while believing they can change what they cannot control. It is in this place they get lost, hurt, confused, and stuck!
I hear you. I’ve been struggling with a sense of lost hope when it comes to my son, after 15 years of heroin addiction. I don’t know what else I can do. I’m also coming to the place where I may need to let go to save my sanity. It’s so hard to do. I love him so much.
Thank you for sharing and commenting. When it came to my experiences with my son, I never really let go. I created boundaries to what I would and would not deal with. Plus, I made it clear that my love for him was unconditional. I never lost hope, though it came close. Then, I made a commitment to do something positive for me every day and I didn’t let anything — and I mean anything — prevent me from that one action. The gift of a positive accomplishment every single day gave me purpose, clarity and focus on becoming strong for myself. We can talk about this anytime you want. Separating yourself from his addiction does not involve letting go, giving up, or quitting. It requires rewriting the rules how we engage as parents.