“Watching someone you love more than anything, walk away at 6:30 in the morning, tired, hungry and knowing they have no where to go is heartbreaking. Once again we decided it was time for them to go. As I stood in my home looking out, watching with that depressed and tired expression, looking back at our home like there is no one left in the world who cares about them is tearing me up inside. I know this is how it has to be. I need this to stop one way or another. I can’t take it much longer. What if there is no bottom? I have often thought this time is it, this will be the time they will seek help but it never is. I fear the bottom may be suicide one day. If that happens, will I be able to live with that?”
There comes a point in a parents’ addiction journey when they realize they have no control over their child’s decisions. This discovery is not limited to parents of children with addiction issues, it is every parents’ reality. There comes a point as our children get older where we cannot tell them what to do, we can only advise them what to do. Eventually, parents realize we cannot advise anymore, unless asked.
The difference between a normal parental journey and one challenged by the continued presence of addiction, is that our inability to control or define the choices our children make has significant consequences relating to the outcomes of these choices. While most parents live a life of natural concern and worry over the behaviors of their child, a parent in the addiction journey have a much higher level of angst. Their children are in a living battle for their lives, their soul, and their future. It is hard to find comfort in these choices once a parent realizes there is no way to help them anymore.
Parenting has never been easy. We want so much for our children that it is hard to watch them struggle, fail, fall down, or get lost. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment. There is never a time when once someone becomes a parent, they stop being a parent. Even when a child grows old, marries, and has children of their own - we are still parents.
Being a parent is not our only responsibility, though. Being a parent means that there are times where we must let our children find their path - even if it is a dangerous one. There comes a point where love, hope, and encouraging are going to have to be enough as we let them go to face the consequences, outcomes, and impact of their choices, their dreams, or their mistakes.
It is not easy letting go. It is even harder to let go of a child who is lost, hurting or sick. Regardless, it is their path, their journey and their life — they need to find it, follow it, and live it on their terms. Along the way we can hope, pray, and offer encouragement and direction. If all goes according to our dream for them, they will return to us inspired, changed, and happy. That is what letting go is all about!
Get your complimentary audio of my program “The Ways to Rise Above the Addiction Drama.” Taken from the lessons of my experiences with my youngest son’s heroin addiction, I provide three behavioral tips for parents that will help them find more peace and clarity in dealing with the chaotic and destructive actions of a child dealing with addiction. To get your complimentary copy click here.
My name is Rita Hodges and I am the Featured radio talk show Host of The Serenity Show on Blog Talk Radio. My calling is about helping those who face the demises of destruction out in society and home life with young adolescents and young adults. Prevention/intervention with family members in finding workable solutions to healthier ways of living. All my shows are based on my own life experiences followed by knowledge and education and many with special guest speakers. You can find me live on Friday nites at 9pm CT at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ritahodges and/or call at 646-929-0421, live only. You can also visit my website at “theserenityshow.net” and LIKE US on http://www.facebook.com/serenityshow. If there is anyway I can help please feel free to contact me at 931-378-0482 anytime.
Ii have read so many times that this is the only thing you can do to help your addicted child, that everything else is really just enabling. I hope this is right. This is what I am trying to do with my son. Its hard. VERY HARD. I just know he will end up dead. Probably from an overdose. Its killing me seeing him slowly kill himself. He and I both live in own hell because of his addiction. I don’t see this plan working out but I just don’t know what else to try .
Sherri, I would love to tell you that there will be a different outcome than the one you fear. We just don’t know. When we keep enabling them, we are not helping them; but, you already know that. It is not easy. What keeps me moving forward is my trust that there is plan for my son’s life, that I cannot change, alter, or interrupt that plan - for it is not in my control. What I have to focus on doing everyday is love, hope, and encourage. I get stronger and better at it and it is what gets me through, sometimes it barely gets me through. Not that I am selfish about it; but, I focus on me and on living my life to the fullest. I do not want to, nor will I, give my son’s addiction the power to destroy my life, as well. It doesn’t have that right and it cannot get that right unless I give in to it. Start taking care of yourself, create space from his addiction, and move forward living your life in the hope and trust that he will find his way. Whether he does or he doesn’t, there is nothing you can do to change the outcome.
Thanks for sharing your story, your fears and concerns. Please stay connected and engaged.
Thanks for this! I am currently feeling very hopeless and lost due to a loved one’s addiction and the daily fear that they are slowly committing suicide is exhausting me. I offered to help in every way I can imagine but unfortunately they don’t want to help themselves. Your words made me realize there is nothing more I can do except take of myself and distant myself from the situation. It’s easier said than done but I’m definitely going to work in this direction. Thanks for your help.
Katie, thanks for your comments. It is not easy. As you get more consistent with your attitude and your commitment, it may not get easier but you will get stronger and more empowered to stay on your course. It is always sad to watch a loved one systematically destroy themselves. Hard to accept the reality that we can do nothing for them. Stay strong and know you are loved and supported!
Thank you! Your words have been very comforting.
Loosening the grip — of even a known false sense of control — when a loved on is in a battle of life or death, is one of life’s toughest choices. Helplessness can bring hopelessness, and hopelessness, despair. The heartache of letting go so they can fully experience the natural consequences of their choices is one of the most brave, yet most terrifying, choices one can make. It is through the brokenness of letting go that loved ones may have their own breakthrough and recovery.