“Any man can…decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually ~ Viktor E. Frankl
I have been reading “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. If you are not familiar with Frankl’s story, his memoir was written about his lessons and experiences in a World War II concentration camp. Regardless of all the difficulties experienced in my life, nothing compares with Frankl’s life and death experiences. Despite this incredibly torturous existence, he offers the reader incredibly insightful perspectives for living our lives. Today’s quotes are from those writings.
As a parent with an addicted child I routinely struggled with the my choices and decisions relating to my son’s behaviors. I became so obsessed with his recovery - whether he was using or not or what “the right thing to do was” - that I ignored my own needs and lost complete control of my life. Even though I felt powerless to control or influence his life choices, I still did everything I could to manage them anyway. By constantly reacting to his addiction driven life, I unconsciously surrendered the ability to control the one thing I actually did have control over - my life.
I finally discovered how insane my behaviors were and the impact it was having on my life. With that realization I made some very clear decisions about how I was going to manage my life in the face of this adversity despite my son’s actions. It was not easy, but it was incredibly effective. What many outsiders see in the way I live my life today reflects the ultimate outcomes associated with my commitment. Not visible to most observers is the actual work over time involved to succeed in this mindset.
The first step in our recovery is to make that declaration that I am not powerless, I am not helpless, and I will not be a victim to the events that occur in my life. I will control what I have control over and I will let go of what I can’t and trust in those outcomes.
You are not powerless to live and celebrate the life you desire. You ARE powerless to make your children live the life you desire for them; even more so for a child with an addiction. While you will forever be connected to the lives of your children, there comes a point where you cannot attach the outcomes of their lives to how you live or enjoy yours. When you do this, you give them control over your life. When you let you child’s action define how you live your life, it makes no sense to act as though you don’t understand how your life has gotten out of control - you chose to lose control when you turned over authority for your life to their behaviors.
You have a choice. If you want to control and define the outcomes in your life, do it. Choose to the live the life you desire and make a commitment to embrace that path. It will not be easy, you will stumble and sometimes completely fail. When you are clear about your commitment and your outcomes for your life, you will move toward that destination and away from the drama, the chaos, and the disruptions. You are not helpless, powerless or a victim - you are in control. Take control over your life, turn over control of your child’s life to them, and avoid confusing the two. When you do this, you will find more strength and confidence in your decisions and your actions. Peace!
100Pedals has recently released two FREE programs for parents. (1) “Addiction and the Family: Four Guidelines to Embrace” is an audio program that provides parents perspective for dealing with addiction in the family. To obtain your digital download click here. (2) “Addiction Conversation” is a weekly podcast where Dave Cooke interviews parents, those in recovery, counselors, and legal experts to provide their perspectives from their experiences with addiction. To listen to an individual session click here or to download the podcast to I-Tunes click here.
Well said, Dave. This line particularly resonated with me, “Choose to the live the life you desire and make a commitment to embrace that path.” While it is always a stressful situation when our kids are abusing drugs or alcohol, as parents we do have choices about our reactions, our communication with our kids and how we treat ourselves during the process. We have the choice to set the tone for a positive outcome. I love the quote from Viktor Frankl. Thanks for the important reminders!
Thanks, Cathy. Every day I struggle with the desire to engage in my son’s recovery/relapse activities whatever they may be. In that struggle I remind myself that we live two separate lives and are responsible for our respective decisions. It is not easy to watch your child make mistakes or suffer from them; but, I know in my heart that this is the only way either of us is going to learn and endure.
Great blog, Dave. I am kind of in the middle of choosing to live the life I desire. I left my job a year ago so I could find something to do that I’m passionate about. Life isn’t about just working to get a paycheck anymore. I want to do something that makes a difference in the world. Yes, I need to get paid something so I can provide for my family. But how much I get paid is no longer the most important thing. I want to be happy doing what I do. Thanks for posting this. Very thought-provoking. Love ya, bro’!
I know exactly where you are coming from and can easily relate to your mission and commitment. Keep doing what you can to craft that message of what your next “assignment” looks like. It will assist others in helping you discover what you are looking for. In the meantime, keep going forward on your awesome journey!
Thank you for this piece, Dave. Soon as I saw Frankl’s name I was all over it. He was such a great man, and Man’s Search for Meaning is a powerful book. Actually, one of my favorites, and I reference it in client work and writing frequently.
You offer such great personal perspective in your work, Dave. And that’s what makes it come alive. Issues of power and choice. Certainly what life’s all about…
Bill
Yes, Viktor Frankl provides remarkable perspective for life’s journey. It is amazing that he can come out of such an horrific experience in a place to share this wonderful gift with others. We are fortunate.
This is an excellent piece on such a critical topic - ESPECIALLY as you get older and realize, yikes - this is really it! I loved this line, “You ARE powerless to make your children live the life you desire for them,” which of course holds true with our powerlessness over anyone. It was really coming to terms with that concept and then developing tools for constructive disagreement / handling of conflict that really set me free to take back my life.
When I finally discovered that reality - I only have “control” over me - it was incredibly empowering and freeing. With that freedom and wisdom, I was able to accomplish so much more and move so far forward in my life. It doesn’t free me from the experience the pain or hurt of other’s choices, but it enabled me to find confidence, clarity, and focus in what I can control and accomplish. Thanks!